On the Perception of Self

 

 

perception: n. Conscious understanding of something.

 

The tiny, elderly lady was in her driveway, getting out of her car. I approached her and introduced myself: “I’m Ladonna, and I hope it isn’t inappropriate if I ask you a few questions.” Continuing, I explained where I live in the neighborhood. "I'm in the duplex up on the corner.”

“I know where you live,” she commented. “It’s the house with all the flowers.”

I did the nervous laugh thing and kept talking. In all honesty, I was wanting to find some “dirt” on my next-door neighbors. Their home adjoins this neighbor’s property opposite mine, on the other side of their back yard. My neighbor’s desire to have a back yard farm has been a source of personal grief since they moved in. Most recently I took issue with their housing ducks in an unsanitary manner, and I filed a complaint with the city. I was hoping I could add these neighbors to the list, giving support to my cause.

We visited for a while as she shared their own animal issues with the neighbors. I had brought contact information for the city with me and left it with her. 

I headed back home. The house with all the flowers?? What an inglorious way to be remembered. Truthfully, I was kind of hoping my legacy would be one of “Wise Woman in the Neighborhood” or something more refined and wonderful sounding.

God and I have been wrestling for a while. Rather, I have been wrestling with God. It’s about the same as a toddler trying to grapple with his physical father. The winner is apparent from the start.

’Change me. Please change me, God.”

“Why would I do that? Why would I change you from the person I created you to be?”

“I talk too much, God. I need to shut my mouth and be quiet.”

I have always been a talker. I envy those who sit quietly as they listen and observe. It isn’t that I don’t like who I am. I just have this perception a better "me" would be more placid and less boisterous. All I'm asking for is a tweak in my personality, a minor makeover.

Tucked away in the files in my mind is a list of personal criticism and judgements directed against myself: I am a knee-jerk reaction person, one who is unable to hide my emotions or reactions. Just this afternoon, while working in my garden, I yelled across the street at two young boys who were arguing over an abandoned grocery cart. “Stop fighting! Stop fighting!!,” I shouted out spontaneously. “Whatever you’re fighting over, it isn’t worth it. Get along.” Surprisingly, they stopped their battle and headed on down the sidewalk.

Of late, consistency has not been my forte’. From one day to the next my mood may range from cynical to hopeful, somber to joyful.

Since I am unable to change myself into my perception of a new-and-improved "me", I have attempted to coerce my Heavenly Father into accomplishing that feat for me. I have not been successful.

Decades ago, I was in a world of hurt. I wanted another child but was unable to become pregnant. An eating disorder had overtaken me. The ensuing depression was an additional debilitation.

Where are you, God? Where are you? In the midst of such a state there is no hope. Daily living is difficult, often torturous. Sleep offers no reprieve. And it begins all over again the next day, with no end in sight—ever.

I remember every detail when He whispered to me. I know where I was. I know what I was wearing. I know what and how I was feeling--abject hopelessness. Our family had gone to a spot upriver where the kids could play in a creek with friends. I carried my devastation, a constant companion, with me.

 God spoke: “You are exactly as I want you to be." I understood that to mean not only me, but my circumstances. I can guarantee you I did not jump up and down for joy. My idea of perfection was a far cry from His reality. But I did hear Him, and I have never forgotten. In fact, He often reminds me: “You are exactly as I want you to be.” This is one of those times.

I may have a perception of what I think I should be like, but that is all it is. It is my perception. The clay is not in the position to tell the potter what the finished product should look like.

Right here. Right now. I am exactly as God wants me to be. And that includes the "talker" and the "just a little bit crazy, you never know what to expect old woman." If I need to be changed it will be at His hand and not according to my perception.

God pointed out that, after Creation, He placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden to tend it. I am in good company if the lady up the street knows I live in “the house that has all of the flowers.”

 

Yet, Lord, you are our father. We are the clay, and you are our potter;

your hands made us all.

Isaiah 64:8 NET

 

 

 

 

On Seeing

 

see: v. To perceive or detect with the eyes; to view, observe, behold, to witness or observe by personal experience.

  

It happened with a pair of socks while folding laundry. I paired two socks and, as I reached for a second pair, realized neither was a match. I had looked at them. The colors shouted a mismatch, but I did not see the obvious.

Have you ever had an experience where you looked but didn’t see? It’s not that it wasn’t there, right in front of you, “as plain as the nose on your face,” my mother would say. But somehow it did not compute in your mind. How many times have your eyes passed over an object of search, perhaps a set of keys or that rogue tennis shoe your child needed to head off to school, that important piece of paper you put in a special place for safekeeping? It seems if we are looking, we should see, but that isn’t always so.

Those are experiences of seeing with physical eyes. When I speak of seeing, I instinctively think of inner vision, that awareness or knowledge separate from eyes with which we view our material world. There are some who call such “having an epiphany or revelation,” an “aha” moment. Others would apply the description “getting it.”

For me, to see is to understand without words, to have knowledge of, or to have a grasp of, concepts, truths, and precepts I have not heard with my physical ears. Those revelations take place within my being. They aren’t visible, yet they are solid and real, often life-changing.

This is what I see: (Now, isn’t that an adroit application of the word?) Each of us falls into one of two categories at varying times in our lives. The first is not seeing what others see; the second is seeing what others do not.

There are those times when we are blinded to the severity of our circumstances, the seriousness of the state we are in, the dire straits of our behaviors, actions, and attitudes. We are blinded to ourselves. 

The resulting course of life shouts “Disaster!” as we head toward a cliff, but we continue, because we don’t see. Those around may observe and attempt to call attention and focus, but as a wise friend said, “If you don’t see, you don’t see.”

The second category is where we are the ones who have the sight, with clear vision of another’s state and situation. This is where a person can bump into a huge problem if not careful, that of judgment.

It can be easy to assume if things are obvious to me, then my friend, neighbor, spouse, child—you get the point—should be able to discern those problem-causing areas as well. The trap of pointing a finger, harshly judging, and criticizing sits at the door, and we can readily fall into it. Surely these people we love and care for cannot help but see those things which are crystal clear to us. “Don’t you see yourself?!” we want to shout. Not necessarily. If you don’t see, you don’t see.

Just as there have been plenty of times in my life when I didn’t see myself, so it is for others. When I see what another does not, it is important I consider taking that person before my Heavenly Father. Isn’t that what caring for one another is about? Standing in support and understanding rather than judging.

Inner vision and sight—seeing--is a gift. Often it comes in the form of a mirror, and we are unable to escape the truth.

Never take a single revelation lightly. Hold on to each one. They are given to bring about inner change, growth, maturity, and development. No man can ever take them away. In addition, be careful lest you judge others for things that are not clear to them, for things they do not see.

When I do see myself, I can no longer plead ignorance or denial. I am without excuse. When I have been shown the truth, when I see, I am then held personally accountable. I am responsible.

 

“I see,” said the blind man.

Therefore I counsel you to buy from me…

salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see.

Revelation 3:18

 

On a Single Blade of Grass

            It’s going to be a hot one today. Since my retirement two months ago, I’ve been trying to find what my “new normal” is. After almost two decades with work as a daily focus, finding my footing has been an interesting adventure.

Walking. Moving. Getting out in the fresh air. I decided that will be an important part of my routine as I move forward. So, I headed out early before the killer temperatures kicked in.

I took a new route, one that led me along streets and paths I hadn’t been down before. Walking is always a time for thought. Some would call it meditation. This day was no different.

I have wanted to write on the intelligence and knowledge of God for some time--particularly since He gave me an infinitesimal sense and awareness of that facet of Himself. At the time, my mind quickly reached maximum capacity as I tried to grasp the most elementary of facts. I certainly had no words to begin to describe what I had been shown.

God’s intelligence and knowledge isn’t spoken of much. In the secular world, He has been “dumbed” down to the point of non-existence, a fairy tale for the naïve’ and the simple-minded. Those in the church or religious realm often speak of His omniscience. But that is a very broad-brush stroke without any real substance. “Of course, He knows everything. He’s God.”

Oh, My. Yes. He is God.

The day was warming quickly, and I still had a ways to go until I was home. Before I sit down to write, I am often given a basic topic along with a starting point. I knew I would be sharing my thoughts about this facet of God in the most rudimentary manner.

Here I go, and here it is.

Consider a single blade of grass. God knows everything there is to know about that one piece of vegetation growing in your front yard. He knows its molecular makeup, when it came into existence, its needs, even when it was last mowed—everything.

Now, multiply that one grass blade by every iota of matter that exists in this world and the universe beyond, all that is seen and unseen. God knows it all, from the depths of the earth to the heights of the sky.

He knows it all because He created it all. There is no way to measure His knowledge and intelligence, but mankind need only look at Creation to see it manifest.

Is God worthy of our respect? Yes, He is. Are the people of this world giving Him any? Some are, but many are not.

When God created the universe and all that is in it, He had a plan in mind. His plan was to include humankind in His world. The choice is ours, not His.

He will not be mocked. He will not be ridiculed and made a fool of. 

Who on this earth or in this universe is His equal?

Consider a single blade of grass.

 

…He cares for you

I Peter 5:7 ISV

Deep Cleaning

deep clean: n. Any thorough cleansing, especially one conducted in order to disinfect a place that has or may have been contaminated with a disease vector such as a virus, bacteria, etc.

 

I have begun a deep clean of my home, though more thorough than disinfectant. After over nineteen years of tending the gardens and cleaning the homes of others, it is my turn. “Retired” is now my official title. With that title comes both the time and the energy to address the dirt and clutter throughout my own dwelling.

This is not going to be one of those quick Swiffer pass-through jobs. It won’t be “a lick and a promise” with a dust cloth as Mom directed on Sunday mornings before we headed off to church because company was coming for dinner.

It will be a “Leave no stone unturned” kind of task as I go deep into corners that have not seen the light of day nor cleaning solution for years. Items will be pulled out and cleaned before returning to their home. Piles will be made of things to keep, give away, or discard.

In preparation, I pulled my vacuum and cleaning supplies out of my truck this morning. I have stored them there for years. It was easier to have them available when I had a cleaning job, and I wasn’t forever moving things in and out of my house. 

When I was asked to clean up a large garden area, I always began in the furthest corner and worked towards the house. I’m methodical about some things, and that is often how I address a job. And so, I started in a corner of the living room, a corner no one sees or notices—except me. I was amazed at the amount of filth that had accumulated.

There is a real sense of accomplishment when a person does something that has been left undone for quite some time. It "feels" good. This cleaning process isn’t going to happen in a few hours, a day, a week, or maybe even months. I will, however, go bit by bit until it is completed. I began today.

This physical deep clean reminds me of what God does spiritually. He begins in the most hidden crevices of our inner beings, those areas we don’t want anyone to see or know about. He pores into the dark caverns within us. His very presence is like the head lantern on a spelunker. Secrets are revealed and, at His hand, dealt with one-at-a-time, one-on-one.

As with my home, a thorough inner cleaning takes time—a lengthy period of time. But it is priceless. And it is important. God's desire for us is that we live in purity, a life unencumbered by garbage. A clean spiritual home is a better way--His way.

 

Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139: 23, 24