Sunday, February 25, 2024

Lasts. Firsts.

 

 

“Are you okay, Mom? How are you doing with this?”

“I’m fine,” was my response. That might not have been the whole truth.

Firsts can be hard—that first baby step, the first day of school, a first holiday without a parent, friend, spouse, or partner; the first gardening season after retirement or first plane flight.

Lasts are no different; they can be dificult as well. Firsts and lasts both mark a transition, a point of crossing over from one way of life or experience into another. The common base is that of the unknown. As humans, we most often prefer familiar rather than the unfamiliar.

Firsts constitute a beginning; lasts, an ending.

My five grandgirls are the joys of my life. I take great pride and pleasure in each of them. Over the last twenty or so years, I have been privileged to be a sideline spectator as they pursued a variety of interests and activities, including their “firsts.” Their sports or performance schedule was mine as I entered every game or event into my calendar.

Softball, dance, volleyball, basketball, golf, wrestling. I spent hour upon hour “hootin' and hollering” (not so much for dance or golf 😊), as I cheered on the team and my favorite players.

They had no skills in the beginning and struggled, but they kept going. I loved seeing them grow and develop. My pride was blatantly evident while fulfilling the spectator role.

The final season for this Grandmother came to an end when the little pit bull completed her wrestling as a senior--a "last." How am I? I am sad but very grateful for the opportunities to be part of their lives in this way. And I wouldn't trade all the money in the world for it--time well spent.

What’s that saying?—“All good things must come to an end.” And it has been good! My heart is filled with priceless memories—and some amazing videos to-boot!!

I am blessed. And I am looking forward to the next “firsts” these girls will bring into my life. May your "lasts" be filled with the hope of joyful "firsts" as well.

 

 

 

 

 

Wednesday, February 7, 2024

On Inches and Seconds


            He almost killed me. I didn’t see him coming.

It was an ordinary day—at least it felt and seemed that way. The winter solstice brought with it more daylight hours and the appearance of a false Spring, which typically shows up around Groundhog Day. Harbingers of the real Spring have instilled a “life-is-good” feeling in the air.

At the end of the day, I readily deemed the day anything and everything but…ordinary. It was one of the most extraordinary days of my life, one ruled and measured by “inches and seconds.”

Mailing my grandgirl’s handmade birthday card occupied the #1 item on my to-do list. I wanted to make certain she received it in time for her big day. The “one who made me a Nana,” was going to turn twenty-five, a staggering reality. Where did the time go? How did it pass so quickly? She lives out-of-state, preparing for a September wedding. I used the photo she sent me of Goose, her new kitty, to create a one-of-a-kind card. It carried the inscription “Have a Fabulous Birthday” on the front, and I included “From Goose and Nana” as part of the birthday greeting. I was anxious and excited for her to receive the special card.

Apparently, my mailman has been coming early these days. I took the card to the mailbox around noon, but at 1:30, the still-upright flag on the box indicated he had already come and gone. The card wouldn’t be picked up until the next day. Should I walk down to the local mailbox center to mail it? Or should I drive?

I decided I needed some fresh air and could easily deal with the drizzle of the day, so I grabbed my umbrella and donned my rain shoes and raincoat. The half-mile jaunt down to the local strip mall, the location of the mailbox center, doesn’t take long, around twenty minutes. I walk it regularly, as one of the most economical grocery stores in the city is situated there as well.

Early afternoon was a good time of day to walk past the local high school. Around lunch time and later in the day, it appears as though a dam has broken as students flood the sidewalks, grocery store, and fast-food places in the immediate area.

I couldn’t think of any food items I needed, so skipped a grocery store run and headed for the mailbox sitting outside the mailbox center and dropped the card in. Mission accomplished.

Traffic in this area is almost always hectic. Cars, trucks, buses, and commercial vehicles pack the roadways. The grocery store, fast-food restaurants, the nearby high school and middle school, plus an auto parts store, drug store, and several food trucks create a climate for heavy pedestrian traffic as well.  Ramps accessing Beltline Highway, a main thoroughfare in the city, are a couple of blocks away. Drivers are usually in a rush. No one ever goes slow.

I am a creature of habit. Walking to and from the grocery store and mailbox center, I always cross Barger Drive, a heavily traveled and trafficked four-lane street, at one specific crosswalk. Walking back home, I approached the crosswalk for the umpteenth time. The pedestrian traffic signal includes a voice feature for those who are blind. Pushing the button activates a voice, which indicates the need to wait—or walk.

I was the only person at the crosswalk. I pushed the button and began my wait for the signal to announce I could safely cross. The traffic signals take some time running through their cycle of controlling multiple lanes of traffic moving in a variety of directions—stop, go, left turn, right turn, moving forward. As a pedestrian, it isn’t unusual to wait a while.

The rain was light, but I kept the umbrella in place, a protection and shield. The sweatshirt hood and the hood of my raincoat were pulled up on my head as well, blocking out any side vision. My eyes were focused on the signal on the other side of the street.

Out of nowhere, a speeding car careened around me—behind me. Not in front of me, on the street, but on the sidewalk at my back. The red, medium-sized sedan was no more than a foot away as it passed. I could have easily reached out and touched it. In shock, I watched as the driver then slowly drove down the sidewalk. His reduction in speed may have been the result of damage caused to his tires and/or wheels when he accelerated over cement obstructions between the street and sidewalk.

I stood at the crosswalk, unsure what to do. I don’t remember having a single conscious thought other than to take a video to share with my children before the rain washed away the evidence. Those in the flow of traffic following behind the driver witnessed what had just occurred. The driver had turned left from his two-lane street and crossed four lanes of stopped traffic. But he was going so fast, he swung wide—severely, excessively wide.

 Several showed their care by slowing down and asking if I was okay. “Yes. I’m fine.” And I was. I was in one piece. An older couple was particularly concerned. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

I heard the suggestion as it came out of my mouth, bypassing my mind. “Get his license plate.” They sped off. I was still standing at the crosswalk when they circled back around to check on me again. They shared that they were able to obtain the license plate number and reported it to the authorities. By the time I called the police they were already pursuing him. When they contacted me two hours later, they had him in custody. What are the odds?!

The video I took of the car’s tire tracks in relation to where I was standing is a telling picture. Often, I stand quite a distance away from the curb while waiting because cars take that corner fast. This time, I didn’t. My typical position would have placed me in the direct line of the vehicle. Thankfully, I did not see him coming. I suspect my instincts would have been to react. One step back would have been fatal; one step forward into Barger traffic would have been no better.

My Idaho daughter called that evening to check in on me. She thought the shock might be delayed but commented, “I can tell you’re fine, Mom.” As we talked, I realized how much God spared me. My only memory is the blurb of a red car sweeping past me. I have no trauma- or nightmare-causing images imbedded in my mind of a car coming around the corner, heading straight for me. I imagine those in the cars following him suffered more than I as they witnessed an accident waiting to happen.

“Inches and seconds,” she said. Indeed.

I am pressing charges as the victim of reckless endangerment. When the police contacted me, telling me they had him in custody, I asked if he had the bejeebers scared out of him.

 “Not really.”

“He should have,” I responded. Knowing the officer couldn’t really answer, I had to ask anyway. “Was he under the influence of drugs or alcohol?”

“It appears…” An answer without answering.

As I told the police officer, “I am not a victim. I’m safe, sitting here in my rocking chair. I am pressing charges, though, on behalf of any future, potential victim.”

It is better this person is held accountable for his actions now instead of having to deal with the possible future liability and responsibility of causing very serious, life-threatening injuries or even a fatality. It may be hard for him, but at least it isn’t horrible. He might not realize it, but he was granted grace this time. It is a miracle he didn’t hit me. He could have killed me.

 How close can you come to being maimed, injured, or even killed and come out unscathed? “Inches and seconds.” Being in the right spot…at the right time. Only God.

And, as my son said, “Pedestrians and cars don’t end well.”

 

“To God be the glory, great things He hath done…”

To God Be the Glory, written by Frances J Crosby (Fanny Crosby) 1875

 

Thursday, January 25, 2024

On Having Purpose


 
purpose: n. The end for which something is done, is made or exists.

 

Scrounging through the coat closet, I found the raincoat crammed in a corner. It is ancient, much like its owner, yet quite serviceable—another point of comparison. I created it as a prototype for a local dive shop, designing and sewing it. Whenever I wear it, the raincoat serves as a reminder of a former time in my life when I spent hour upon hour at the sewing machine.

I needed to go for a walk, with an emphasis on the need. A recent rogue ice storm grounded most activity in my area. Freezing rain came first, coating all forms of life with ice. A skiff of snow followed, covering up the base of ice, presenting a picture of deceit. Snow is safe to walk on. Ice is not. I, along with others possessing any measure of sensibility, did not venture out beyond my doors.

Rain and warmer temperatures finally came to melt things, and a sense of normalcy returned. I had been holed up for only five days, but it felt more like five weeks. The mood that developed during the incarceration was a heavy one. Was I being overcome with that same blanket of depression that enveloped me and held me captive over fifty years ago? I wasn’t sure.

It had been a week since the ice melted, but rain…and more rain pummeled the earth. I resisted going out. Besides, I was in my own version of a hamster wheel, going nowhere in particular but with great speed. I had a ready excuse to stay inside.

Glancing out the window, I noticed the rain had let up--for a bit. I removed my body from the rocking chair I had been occupying for some time and prepared myself to head outdoors. Raincoat—check. Gloves—check. The all-important phone—check. I grabbed the key to unlock the side gate before I changed my mind. Maybe I should grab my umbrella—check.

Since retiring from my gardening business, walking has proven to be an important, valuable activity in my life. The fresh air invigorates me; the physical movement duplicates hours spent walking behind a lawn mower; the solitude in creation, free from any outside influence, serves as an opportunity to be still, both mentally and spiritually.

The break in the weather didn’t last long. Why should it? It’s January in Oregon! A few sprinkles came down, then the wind picked up its pace, and a downpour developed. I was glad I’d brought the umbrella with me as an afterthought. The raincoat is fairly storm worthy, but when it rains in Oregon, it pours.

Using the umbrella as both a shield from the wind and a tool to keep the rain at bay, I trekked along, giving thanks I had taken the step to venture out. I did, indeed need to take a walk.

I had brought the mood along with me. What’s wrong with me, God? Silence. I found myself focusing on the umbrella and wind direction, wanting to avoid the experience of it being turned inside out. Since I was heading into the wind, that meant I had no vision other than what was at my feet, right in front of me.

Trudge. Trudge. Trudge. Occasionally, I shifted the umbrella position to glance up the sidewalk, making sure I wasn’t going to trip over any obstacle. Trudge.Trudge.

Turning a corner, I found the wind wasn’t hitting me head-on, so I altered the umbrella position, placing it over my head instead of in front of me. What is my purpose, God? I don’t feel like I have any purpose. Aha! That was the crux of my discontent, the mood that sent me flailing all over the place.

My thoughts picked up on that inner revelation. I have been of the conviction for years that, as humans, we need to have a sense of purpose for our lives. Otherwise, it can feel like we are just putting in time…until there is no more time left.

I began following that trail mentally while walking along. I became a mother at the age of eighteen, raising four children. If you had questioned me during those years of motherhood what my purpose was, I would have adamantly stated “being a mother.” I now have five grandgirls. From their birth on, I felt my purpose was to be available to my daughters and the girls as needs arose. They are now young women and adults, no longer needing to be chauffeured or taken care of.

I started a gardening business when I was fifty-four. What was my purpose then? To work to support myself and serve a clientele. And that I did—for over nineteen years. Then it was time to turn in the mower, the blower, and the weedeater.

‘My partner of six years became ill with a disease that had no treatment and no cure. My purpose during that period of time was most definitely to support and care for him. He passed recently and, with that passing, my sense of purpose.

The rain and wind let up. I closed my umbrella and pushed my hood back. Again: I don’t feel like I have any purpose, God. In reality I was saying, Why am I alive? What’s the point?

I knew I didn’t want to hear any platitudes—“Your family needs you. You have friends who care.”

A scripture I memorized in childhood floated through: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” [1]

Cha ching! My focus has been misplaced. Life isn’t about my purpose. It is about His. That’s not to say that being a mother, grandmother, friend, and caregiver aren’t part of His purpose. Or that being a gardening grunt was separate from Him. It means that I find fulfillment in life because they are in His plan for me.

I’m still adjusting to the change brought by retirement and loss. Those things take time. What’s next? I have no idea. But He does have a point and purpose in all things--even in the dormancy of winter with its dark days and blustery weather.

Many years ago I asked my Heavenly Father what He wanted me to do. He responded, “All I have asked of you is to be.”

 It isn’t in the doing, it is in the “being.” In the same way my heart is filled, and I take great pleasure in spending time with my family and friends; in watching my resident hummingbird stake out his territory; in listening to giggles and laughter, so it is with God. He loves me—and you—exactly as we are. We do not need to do anything to bring Him joy.  Nor to have purpose.

“Thank you. I had forgotten." Actually, I hadn’t forgotten. He reminded me of that on my walk. I just didn’t want to hear it.

His purpose for me is to “be.” And with the caveat of living under His umbrella with Him, His purpose is fulfilled. The rest follows.


"Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven."

                                                            From the Lord's Prayer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



[1] Romans 8:28 NIV