"On Learning What It Means To Trust"

My mother would call it fretting.  Or stewing.  I don’t recall the word "worry" being used in our home.  Perhaps it was too definitive, too stark, too much “calling it what it is.”  The other words leave some wiggle room; they just sound better.  At any rate, the hard, cold facts are that I have been in a state of worry for a while.  In fact, if I had a worry stone at hand, one of those rocks which is supposed to provide relief by giving one something to transfer one's thoughts and concerns to, I would have rubbed it so hard its size would have diminished right before my eyes.

My 70^th birthday is on its way, the one I call my 70^th gig.  Its approach has brought up a whole list of issues.  My peers will understand exactly what I’m talking about; the rest of you—well, you will understand in due time.  The issues are not contrived and deserve consideration—How much longer am I going to be able to work as a gardener; am I going to be OK financially; what health issues are awaiting me, what is going to happen to me as I continue growing older?  Worry, however, is not a productive process.

One of the things I truly like about my Creator is that He isn’t a Superman hero; He doesn’t come soaring into my life to save the day.  What He does do is allow me to be me as I process thoughts, go in circles, spin around into oblivion in that worry state.  When I’ve worn myself out, He interjects a thought.  And even then it is my choice to consider it or to continue ricocheting like a ball in an arcade game. 

The thought was quiet, but I could not deny hearing it:  “Do you trust me?”  Now I know better than to try to “pull the wool” over this One’s eyes by answering glibly.  He knows me better than I know myself, and there are no right or wrong answers, only honest ones.  And so I thought…and thought…and thought some more.  I could not even come up with a definition of what that word means.  There was a general concept, but absolutely nothing I could put into words.  My response was “I don’t know, but I would like to.”

trust:  to rely on, believe, place confidence in, depend upon 

Even with that definition I had no real understanding of its meaning.  It was just a word.

There were gentle reminders of experiences in my life, three of them in one day and my own off-handed comment that “I am being taken care of.”  The case was being built that my Heavenly Father is worthy of being trusted. 

Several thoughts began to form within me.  One was the knowledge that where there is worry there is no peace.  They do not co-exist.  Another is that I have so little control over anything in my life.  Circumstances can change instantly, and there is nothing I can do to alter them.  My life and its future are out of my hands.  And then there is the fact that to not believe God is the same as calling Him a liar.  That word "trust" began to take form, have substance.     

As I began learning what it means to trust, I realized that trust has begun to develop within me.  I did not expect that or know it was going to happen, but it has.  Some may question why I would want to place my trust in One who is unseen; others may find it absurd as they doubt His existence.  For me, He is part of my life and the way I live my life.

It is the nature of man to be self-sufficient, independent, relying upon ourselves.  "No, thank you.  I can do it myself."  We do not readily or easily turn over control of our lives to another or place absolute, unwavering trust in another.  However, the bottom line of it all is that I am either going to trust myself or trust the One who made me.

So what does it mean to trust my Father?  It means I am relying on Him to take care of me, to watch out for me, to be beside me each and every step of my life.  It means knowing these things. 

I cannot say I am there yet, fully living in a level of trust. In fact I doubt if I will ever be, but I am in a better place than I have been in recent days as I learn what it means to trust.  And I hope that the next time He asks, "Do you trust me?"  my response will be "Yes."

"In you, Lord God, do I put my trust."