"On Hearing vs. Listening"

hear: v. To perceive sounds through the ear.
listen: v. To pay attention to a sound or speech.

There is hearing. And then there is listening.

Many years ago I was told, “Listening is an art.” Nodding my head in agreement, I smiled, feigning comprehension and understanding. In truth, as a talker, I had no idea what that meant. Since then I have learned not only the importance and value of listening, but how to listen.

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and realized that what you were saying was of no concern to them? Perhaps you could sense the lack of interest as their eyes wandered. You may have noted their distraction and absence of focus as they waited--or may have even interrupted--to speak of the things that were important to them. They may have heard, but they did not listen. You had the choice to either enter into a verbal competition or turn silent. Then, as the exchange ended, you were left with the real sense that neither you nor what you had to say mattered.

When one is given a voice, one that is listened to, something inexplicably cathartic takes place within that person. This is particularly apparent when one is in a difficult situation or set of circumstances. Objectivity often takes place as personal details emerge; a new perspective may also come into play. Things don't seem as monumental, overwhelming, or consuming. They lose their sting.

 

Given the freedom to express yourself and to be heard is invaluable. Isn’t that what the mental health field with therapists, psychiatrists, and psychologists is all about? 

The art of listening isn't reserved exclusively for friends and family. Opportunities for listening abound and include encounters with all types of people in everyday life--at the grocery store, the gas station, or gym; at work and after work. In my experience these encounters are usually with individuals I don't know and will never see again

 

Very personal things may be shared, one stranger to another. It is important to respect these revelations with confidence, to "lock them up inside," as a friend says. Even though there isn't a personal relationship involved, a baring of the soul deserves respect. The need isn't for an answer or a solution; the need is to be heard and listened to.

How does one become a listener? I feel the basic, first step is that of setting self aside. If my main concern is about me, telling my story, my experiences, my thoughts and ideas, then I will never really listen. It takes a conscious effort at first to push self aside and just listen. Being patient is important as well. If I am rushed and in a hurry, the impatience shouts. The unspoken message I give is, "I don't have time for you."

Most people simply need a sounding board and don’t even realize it. The need to be listened to, regardless of age--from the youngest to the eldest--runs deep within humankind. It is a need for affirmation that "I am of worth. I matter."  

My challenge is this: If you aren't already a listener, try becoming one. Set self aside. I think you’ll be surprised at the effect it has on your own life. It certainly has the potential to make a difference in the lives of others.