"On Gifting With 'Rules'"

Rule #1 reads as follows: “This is yours, but it is not yours to keep.”

When the plan, that of gifting money to my five grandgirls with conditions and terms, was initially planted in my mind as a seed, the goal was to encourage them to think beyond themselves, for the Christmas holiday to be more than their personal wish list. The gift, given with the charge of that first rule, provided the opportunity for that to happen.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day, and today is called Black Friday, commonly viewed as the official beginning of the Christmas shopping season. No time is wasted as consumers are lured out in the wee hours of the morning for great bargains and amazing deals. Thanksgiving dinner has barely had time to digest before shoppers are beckoned to begin purchasing their Christmas gifts, with some stores opening at five a.m.

Gifts and Christmas go hand in hand. In fact, it’s quite impossible to think of the holiday without compiling a list with ideas of gifts to be purchased and given to family and friends. For those of the Christian faith, the argument is that the birth of Christ was a gift from God to the world. Therefore, we should gift one another as we were gifted.

For others, gift-giving carries with it the notion of generosity and good will toward one’s fellow man. The idea is that, at this time of the year, peace and love will reign if we put forth the effort to be kind to one another, characterized by the giving of gifts, time, and money to others, including charitable enterprises.

The truth of it is that, as a culture, we are locked into a tradition, and part of that tradition includes presents under a tree to be opened either the night before or the morning of December 25. Christmas without gifts is almost beyond comprehension.

Perhaps you have your own harrowing experiences as to how quickly the peace and harmony dissipates once the wrapping paper begins to be ripped off and presents are opened, especially if children are involved. Overstimulation, the hype, and anticipation often result in meltdowns as the holiday season culminates in the great “unveiling of the gifts.” And the same thing can be said for adults as well, as the spirit of Christmas peaks and then enters a crash-and-burn state.

The entire Christmas present/gift exchange scene has been a mental wrestling match for me for many years. I’m never a “Bah! Humbug!” person, but the word “obscene” is my own description upon viewing the sheer quantity of wrapped gifts loaded around my family’s Christmas tree. So much expense, time, and energy—and it so quickly comes to a head. And life goes on.

My grandgirls lack for nothing materially. How could I make Christmas about more than just “me, me, me, and what I want”? The idea had begun forming several years ago, but I felt some were too young at that point in time to comprehend the concept I wished to present through personal experience.

Four years ago, I proceeded with a scheme, one which has played out every year since and was repeated yesterday. That first year each of my five grandgirls received a check in the mail, made out to them, along with a letter. In the letter specific instructions were spelled out, beginning with: “This is yours, but it is not yours to keep.”

I went on to ask them if they could remember the gifts I had given them the previous Christmas or the one before that. Then I told them the gift check was one I hoped they would remember for the rest of their lives.

A list of rules followed. They were instructed that they were to either give the money away or purchase a gift with it and give that away. They, not their parents, were the ones to make the decision as to who would be the recipient. The money had to all be spent by Christmas, and it could be given to one person or to several, but it had to be used on others rather than themselves.

Christmas Day arrived, and, before opening gifts, each grandgirl related what they had done with their money. One had chosen to use it to purchase a sweater for an elderly person. No one in the family knew where the idea of giving to the elderly came from, but it was what she wanted to do, and she did. Another donated to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, having been made aware that all children do not have the same kind of healthy body she has. Sisters put their money together and, along with the help of their parents, gave a little boy a full-fledged Christmas complete with scooter, new shoes, coat, books, underwear, and socks. Yet another donated hers to a local facility for abused women and their children, a positive life experience for a young teen. How many teens, I thought, are even aware that abuse takes place in many relationships?

Each year since then, my grandgirls continue to think beyond themselves as they’ve given to local needy families by providing gift cards to a toy store and a grocery store; sharing with a church, Wounded Warriors, and, last year, a homeless person. The one stipulation the little one had was it couldn’t be a homeless person standing outside Walmart. We have no idea where that came from either, but those were her terms.

Anonymity is important as they are to give without expectation of recognition or acknowledgement. They are to just give.

Gift-giving should be done without conditions, rules, or stipulations, but I feel this is a valid exception. I have no way of knowing what my grandgirls are learning and experiencing as they think beyond themselves, but I believe it is invaluable. And so yesterday I pulled out my checkbook and handed out checks to them. They now know it is money for them, but not theirs to keep. Before we begin our gift exchange on Christmas Day, I’ll learn how they chose to spend it as they take turns telling what they did with it. It’s a new family tradition.

“Freely ye have received, freely give.” Matthew 10:8 kjv