"On Self-Pity"

"Glad to have you back," a reader commented, referencing the fact that it had been over a month since I had written and posted anything.  When yet another reader mentioned the same thing, it gave me pause for thought.

I only write what I experience.  Where have I been and what has been going on in my life for the past month that kept me from sharing myself?  
  
Today was a mowing day--a wet one at that, but I had plenty of time to think as I plodded back and forth behind my mower.  Somewhere between the 2nd lawn and the 4th one, I knew exactly where I have been.   

self-pity:   excessive, self-absorbed unhappiness over one's life; a self-indulgent, exaggerated attitude concerning one's difficulties, hardships, etc. 

The realization hit me that I was stuck in the quicksand of self-pity for quite some time, consumed by a "poor me, woe is me" attitude.  It gave me good reason to look at that state, that place.  

When self is the focus, life is like a hamster wheel, with the scenery never really changing and the theme song remaining the same.  Self-pity is a debilitating place, rendering one incapable of reaching out to others.  It is the equivalent of creating one's own solitary confinement.  

The gardening season has been a wet one, but no worse than any other years; my gardening schedule overwhelming, but no worse than any other years.  My attitude is what made the difference.

Communication with God consisted of "I am old, and I am soooo tired," along with "I'm not going to make it."  Can't you just hear the wailing?  I'm surprised I didn't resort to weeping and beating my chest.  Only He knows how many times I sounded that cry of desperation, and I have no doubt He brought out the earplugs.  

I called it whining, and when I tried dragging a friend along to my pity party, I knew something needed to change, for it had gone beyond whining--or even moaning and groaning.  I was miserable in my state.

Finally, I stopped throwing words at God and planted myself before Him.  "I'm not whining," I told Him.  "I'm complaining."

Very softly, very quietly--"In everything give thanks, for this is My will." 

I cannot explain to you how change takes place at the hand of our Creator.  I only know that it does.  "I'm not suffering," I thought.  "I'm just tired."  And that is how I came back. Once again I am free to share.

I worked today in inclement weather and got quite soaked and yet it was a good day, a productive one. That is what it is like when I'm not wallowing in self-pity.

"Our God is a good God," I told my friend.  And He is.