"Now What?"

The Winter Christmas program was spectacular. As a proud Gram Gram, I sat in the audience grinning from ear to ear as I watched the 12-year-old grandgirl dance. A lover of dance since she was tiny, the local dance company has been a place where she can thrive as her dancing skills continue to develop. Dance suits her.

Driving back home, however, unease settled back upon me once again. Only recently, a dark cloud of depression had enveloped me, hanging around long enough before lifting to remind me of a state of life I had lived in for many years. A thought worthy of consideration, a friend mentioned that often there is a letdown after the completion of a large project, not unlike the experience of some after Christmas has come and gone.

By the time I arrived home, I was in an inner whirlwind.  “Help me, God.  There is no peace.”

This blog was created almost five years ago. I cannot say when the seed of an idea was planted to compile its entries into a book—perhaps two or three years ago—but bringing that idea to fruition has consumed me ever since I made that decision.

The process has been time-consuming, painstaking. I began by printing out the almost 200 posts. Establishing a layout came next in order to make them cohesive and viable, with flow. Decisions were made as to which entries should remain and which should be eliminated. Next was the process of editing and rewriting each of those chosen to be a part of the manuscript. Hour upon hour was spent laboring over words and sentence structure, making certain the message was presented well and with clarity, the message that our Heavenly Father desires to have a relationship with us, His creation.

A time frame was placed on it; it needed to be completed by the end of this year.  It seemed inconceivable that deadline would be met and yet it was, and the manuscript was sent off to the publishing company two weeks ago.

It felt like a very long pregnancy, with delivery and the arrival of an independent being taking place. Only time will tell if “the writing” can stand on its own, if it has life or if it is just empty, dead words.

Now what?

Perhaps you may have been involved in your own undertaking as well, one which required focus, energy, and time—lots of time. It may have been providing care for and making decisions for an elderly parent where you became the parent, the parent the child. Perhaps it was a cross-country move, relocating to a new job, home, and school for your children; the start-up of a new business; settling the estate of a parent or a spouse with its financial and legal responsibilities.  Upon completion you may have been left with “Now what?”

The parent/child relationship is an accurate comparison. As a parent, the welfare and care of that child is your concern from the moment of conception.  Their health, their activities, their emotional, physical, and spiritual development are your focus.  And then they reach the point you have been preparing them for all those years, that time of independence when they step out on their own. 

Some call it the “Empty Nest Syndrome.”  In reality, it is “Now what?” What am I going to do with myself, my time, my energy, my life? It is a time of adjustment, a time of transition.

That is what I have been feeling these past two weeks. Without the book to focus on, I have been discombobulated, restless, unsettled.

And so that was my question asked of God:  “Now what?” The answer: “Just keep going.” And that I am. 

I felt there was too much material to place under one cover, so I made the decision to have a second volume. That project will begin after the first of the year. My same friend commented, “Isn’t that kind of like deciding you want another baby while you’re still in the delivery room?” I can’t argue with that.

The restlessness has abated, however. I am at peace.